This Is My Destiny
by Xovinn
Summary: On the surface Neji seems unaffected when Naruto leaves him. A peek into his diary reveals how upset he really is. Twoshot.
1. Chapter 1

Warnings: Some semi-suicidal thoughts and overall angstiness.

Summary: A peek into Neji's diary reveals that he is not the emotionless bastard everyone thinks he is.

Disclaimer: Naruto and it's characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi. I make no profit of writing this.

A/N: Just something angsty I came up with one day. To be honest, it's way too "teenagy" to my tastes... but hey, even Neji is a teenager. Sometimes when reading manga (Naruto or Bleach in particular) I can't help but remember how young these people are supposed to be.

But in any case, drop a comment and I will love you.

**This Is My Destiny**

I screwed up again.

You'd think I would have gotten used to the feeling of loss over all these years. I thought so myself. Still, the knowledge that this time it is real, this time you really are not coming back brings those hated tears up to my eyes once again.

I look for the apologize inside of me, rummaging through all the corners of my heart. Still, I cannot find it. I'm sorry merely for myself. Me, being my cold and aloof self, can't reach out for you or vocalize my feelings. How could I? I don't know them myself.

You are walking away.

* * *

"_Neji! Neji!" Happy voice is calling. The silent figure turns around, lifting one of his elegant eyebrows questioningly._

_Naruto finally catches him, bright blue eyes sparkling with excitement as always._

"_Yes?"_

_A sudden blush. What has happened? The loudest person in the world has suddenly lost his ability to speak. For a moment, there is a possibility of temporary peace in Konoha._

"_Would... would you..." he hesitates and stutters like Hinata. "Would you like to come and get some ramen with me? I don't have enough money to pay for us both, but it is really good! You will love it, I swear!"_

_He is very cute. Looking up at me, his smile suddenly grows almost too big to fit on his fox whiskered face. He has already seen my answer on my face, but I vocalize it anyway._

"_I would love to."_

* * *

I always knew it would happen some day. I have never been able to hold on to people, no matter how close. The others probably think that I don't care. Yet I do, but I have lost the ability to communicate it, if I ever even had one. All that is left of my deeper caring, my love so to say, are tear stains on my cheeks and an unspeakable feeling inside of my chest.

I guess I will never truly change.

* * *

"_Naruto? Would you by any chance care to be my significant other?"_

_He doesn't allow his voice to waver. He is Hyuuga. He looks cold and distant, but inside his chest his heart is about to break away from it's bony cage. _

_He doesn't get an answer. Not a verbal one, at least._

_A pair of strong arms wrap themselves around his neck and Neji almost falls over as Naruto flings his whole weight to him, laughing and... are those tears?_

"_That means you are my boyfriend? Right? Right? Yes! I knew I could get you with my irresistible charisma! Go go Naruto! DATTEBAYO!"_

_Neji held the laughing and sobbing blond against his chest, daring to comb the soft locks in his reach. All the people around them stared, but somehow Neji couldn't bring himself to care._

* * *

In one thing you were wrong. You said there is no such thing as destiny. Yet there is, and I feel it's hands closing around my throat once again. But I cannot complain, cause this pain is self inflicted. I am building this cage with my own hands. This is the road that I cannot sway away from.

My destiny.

I know your choice to leave me once and for all was the right one. I have nothing to offer for you, maybe nothing to offer for anyone. Ever. These thoughts are making my tears overflow. I cannot stop them. Maybe it's better this way, to cry it now, so I can face tomorrow with my head held high, with arrogance that is expected of me.

I have to keep going. Ending this all now would not only be stupid and reckless, it would be cowardice. Didn't you hate cowards? Not that it would matter anymore. I won't be seeing you again.

What to do now? How can I keep going forward?

* * *

"_You big meanie!" Naruto pouts, trying for a hundredth time to get his posture right. The finer part of taijutsu had never been his field, since he was a man of large outlines. And strong punches._

"_You are supposed to help me with this. That's what training together is for, isn't it?"_

"_It's better for you to do it yourself. Copying the work of others is a shortcut that leads to nothingness."_

"_Why? Does asking for help make me weak? Silly Hyuuga." _

_His words seem carefree, but in his voice there is no hints of laughter._

* * *

I know that already. Nothing will change. I will keep on living on my life, pretending not to see you. And at the same time I'm so very sorry for what has been lost.

Whatever you will decide to do in your life, I will give my best wishes. Even if you will never see these words, even if you never get to know I truly cared.

In this fairytale I am the evil beast. The cold hearted monster who hurts all of those who come close to me. I live only on he side of others, feeding myself with their life force.

And it's true. That's why I don't want to apologize. Doing that I would be lying to you, cause I cannot change myself. I wonder, would you have befriended me all those years ago, if you knew what kind of person I was?

I miss you.

* * *

"_You don't really care, do you?"_

_They hadn't been more than few months together and already their relationship was in serious crisis._

"_What do you mean?" For once there was something else than an emotionless stare in those eyes, but it might be too late._

"_You don't care about anything or anyone. Nothing touches you. Where are your fucking emotions!?"_

_Neji wanted to say it wasn't true. That Naruto had gotten it wrong, that it was all act that he put up in order to be able to survive._

_But was it really? Where does the act end and the personality start? Sometimes it was way too easy to not care. He said nothing._

_Naruto raised his hands with frustration. "Fine, be that way! I guess this was it, then. Be on your merry Hyuuga way and get someone who is as emotionally retarded as you are. I'm sorry I wasted your precious time." _

_He stormed away way too quickly to see Neji batting his eyelids rapidly._

* * *

But we had fun, hadn't we? I regret nothing. And at the same time... everything.

I fee the loneliness already. It's like another person in this room with me, reminding me constantly of who I am. A bad person, that is what I am. I tried to tell you about it. I wonder, did you ever listen to me.

I hope you are not as hurt as I am. I know it's arrogant for me to think the fact of losing me would make you sad. Still... I hope you are a little bit sad. Just to the point when losing a friend. It would make me feel special.

I have dedication to not leave this world for a while. I won't kill myself. I won't.

If only repeating it would make it true. Make me strong enough to stand behind my words... but I fear I can't.

* * *

_Naruto walked by, acting like he wasn't seeing the other. He talks to all the other people in the room, except for him. Has he finally become invisible? The young noble lifts his hand before his face, examining the outlines carefully. It seems like nothing in him has changed, at least physically._

_Neji wants to demand Naruto's attention, and maybe that is just what the blond ninja is hoping for. That the other would show he cares._

_The Hyuuga stays silent, as always. He wonders how long he can go on like this. _

* * *

I wonder if that was all I have to say. It doesn't seem much, but I have no words inside of me anymore.

I guess I have to finally surrender. No amount of willpower will help, anyway.

This is my destiny.


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: Naruto's thoughs of the recent events and his reaction to what Neji has written in his diary.

Disclaimer: Naruto and it's characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi. I make no profit of writing this.

A/N: God damn it, it's fluff again! I thought that I could keep the fluff away from this... But no can do. It seems fluff is very attached to me. #sprays fluff-off#

**This is my destiny**

A lone figure sneaking towards Hyuuga household resembled a small dog that kept its tail between its legs. The person was whining quietly, strengthening the impression of a wounded animal.

Uzumaki Naruto was sorry.

The blond remembered being sorry for a very few things. He was a experienced prankster, and rarely looked back to the things he had done wrong. Being his enthusiastic, lively self he was much more interested of what would happen from there on, rather than dwelling on the past.

With the Hyuuga, however, things had become a bit out of control. He had said some pretty nasty things without really, meaning **really **really meaning any of them.

The young ninja's shoulders slouched a bit more when he thought the last time he had seen his boyfriend... hopefully not a former boyfriend. He had appeared lost in his thoughts, not seeing anyone or anything around him. Probably acting out of hurt the young talented Hyuuga had gained even more distance between himself and Naruto.

Hell, let's face it. Naruto had waited for him to apologize of his behaviour. No matter how much he loved the pale eyed youngster, the blond sometimes felt Neji just couldn't function with people, even with him.

And it hurt, damn it. Neji usually treated him like every other person, keeping him arm's length away. There were occasional kisses and hugs, but since the day they had gotten together even holding hands in public wasn't permitted. So, one day Naruto just might have overreacted to something and told practically Neji to fuck off.

He shouldn't have, but he realized that a bit too late.

He loved Neji. That was not the problem here. Neji loved him too, just had sometimes problems showing it.

Once again the blond felt the unfamiliar feeling of guilt weight his heart. He had demanded too much and too fast. He should have known better. After all, he had been there too, once upon a time.

Neji had a rough past. A different than his, but not any lighter. Where Naruto had always been alone and mentally far away from others, Neji had been under the enormous pressure of his clan and its elders. He was cursed, a second class Hyuuga. They trained him to be a weapon for them, always watching and always demanding more and better and faster and stronger, they had finally managed to broke his sense of self worth. He had build walls around him, walls which kept other people away and not hurting him.

And Naruto had just ordered him to break those walls and let him in. Selfishly, not offering any patience or empathy for other's pain. He had figured it out all right, but way too late. Dead last.

And that's why the blond ninja was there today, nervously standing at Neji's door like an abandoned puppy, ready to humbly bow till his forehead hit the floor and beg for mercy.

He knocked. No answer.

"Neji, it's me, Naruto. I came to apologize."

Still no answer. Naruto tried his hardest to force back the anxiety that was effectively blocking his breathing.

_Neji must be really angry. Or hurt. Or both._

"Neji? Open the door please. Hinata told me you are there, you are not getting away!"

For the sake of variety, no answer.

"If you don't open this god damn fucking door I'm gonna break it."

Silence.

"Fine! Have it your way!"

Naruto teared the paper door open by force, not needing any jutsu to brake the fragile material. Hey, he had warned the Hyuuga, it wasn't his fault.

To the blond's surprise, there was no one inside the bedroom. The bed was neatly made, no one had been sleeping on it recently. All in all the room was clean to the extreme, not a single hint of a dust visible. The only thing that broke the unbearable tidiness was an open book lying on the bedside table. Not fiction or even a non-fiction, it appeared to a diary of some sorts.

Who could resist that?

Waiting for the Hyuuga to get back from wherever he was, Naruto sat on the bed and started reading. The latest notes were written on that same day, which was revealed by the date on the upper corner of the page. Naruto wasn't a big fan of books, but Neji's neat handwriting was fairly easy to read.

First he scowled. What the hell was Neji thinking?

Then he frowned. That wasn't true at all.

Then his heart skipped a few beats and the already high anxiety levels jumped off the scale. He read the shocking lines again.

"_I guess I have to finally surrender."_

Go away. Bad, bad sentence. You are not real, you are only an illusion produced by Naruto's overly guilty filled mind.

The words didn't disappear. Naruto's heart was done beating double speed and was doing triples already. Neji was about to kill himself, Neji may have already killed himself and there was nothing Naruto could do about it.

And it was his fault. He had killed Neji. Pushed him too far, said the final words that had broken the camel's back. Or already tormented mind. Neji was gone, he wasn't ever going to smile to Naruto that small, almost shy smile that was only for him. He would never hug or kiss him anymore or smooth his hair.

Neji had gone away, to the place angels lived.

The blond let his head fall to the covers. What would Hinata say? Or Hiashi, and the other Hyuugas? Or Neji's friends and all the other people in the village. 'It was that pest again. Now he is a murderer, too.'

"Naruto?" A familiar, confused voice broke it's way into Naruto's consciousness and forced his head snap up. Neji was dripping water on the polished wooden floor, and was wearing nothing but a towel around his waste. Nice.

"What are you doing here? I'm sorry, if I knew you were coming I would have been there to let you in. Obviously that didn't bother you, though." Naruto still haven't answered. He was too taken aback by a) Neji was very much alive and well and b) Neji was very much pleasure for the eye standing there half naked.

"Naruto?" The brunette's voice was starting to sound concerned. "Are you... crying? What happened?"

Before Neji had even finished his sentence he was suddenly tackled by now uncontrollably sobbing blond ninja. The Hyuuga managed somehow to keep his balance and instinctively wrapped his arms arms around Naruto, whose face was now firmly pressed against his chest.

"Neji! Thank god you are alive! I'm so sorry and I didn't mean it and oh gosh it's my fault don't be sad and don't leave me or kill yourself or do anything stupid cause I really like you and I am an asshole and..."

"So you read all that?" Neji blushed, noticing his diary lying on his bed, open.

"Yeah, " now a little bit calmed Naruto said softly. "A bunch of stupid and not true things."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." The blond sniffed and rest his chin comfortably on the other's shoulder. "It was my fault, anyway. I'm sorry for saying things that I didn't mean." He looked thoughtful. "Maybe you should let me read that book more often."

"...No. It's very personal."

"Damn."

They stood there hugging each other or a while. Naruto looked very happy, nuzzling and purring against Neji's shoulder. The older boy smiled and patted his hear, feeling the ice of depression inside his chest slowly melt away.

"Naruto. I should get dressed. Please let go of me."

"No. If I let go of you, you will run away and kill yourself." The blond dragged his boyfriend to the bed and forced him to lay down, settling himself next to him. "So no letting go until you give me a big smile and look happy."

Neji's arms around Naruto tightened as answer. The blond understood the meaning, Neji wanted to say his caring meant him very much. Even if the taijutsu specialist was no good with words, he would eventually get his message delivered if Naruto just had enough patience and skill to listen.

The blond believed they could pull it through.

"You smell good," Neji whispered against his neck.

Naruto chuckled. "Thanks."


End file.
